Mad Lawyering Skills

Since I am not yet a lawyer (not even a baby lawyer), I am not allowed to give legal advice.  However, I thought I'd take a chance and help out a friend anyways.  She was having trouble with some pesky trespassers and heard that I had been too.  I got rid of them by posting a little something on my door.  I changed it slightly to apply to her particular pesky trespassers, and the result is below (minus their names).  She says it's worked up until now!  All I have to say is I've picked up some mad lawyering skills these last few years.  ;)

IN THE MATTER OF THE DOE HOUSEHOLD

On __________, 2010, this Court heard the following case and entered the following orders.

1. Parties

     The parties to this suit are:

     a. The DOE household, including but not limited to JANE DOE, JOHN DOE, and JIMMY DOE.

     b. Unknown six- and eight-legged intruders, including but not limited to ANTS, CRICKETS, GRASSHOPPERS, FLIES, and MOSQUITOS.

2. Findings

     This Court hereby finds that all insects, arachnids, and other creatures which have been or may be called pests, bugs, or insects (hereinafter PESTS) have trespassed on the DOE residence.

     This Court hereby finds that said PESTS have ignored repeated requests by the DOE household to vacate the premises.

     This Court hereby finds that said PESTS are in violation of natural law and Texas statute by entering a residence or other dwelling equipped with at least one of the following: air conditioning, heating, plumbing, walls, windows, and/or roof.

3. Orders

     Based on the above findings, this Court orders the following:

     a. All PESTS are hereby ordered to vacate the DOE residence immediately.  Any PEST found within the DOE residence after this notice is posted may remain in the residence only by mutual agreement between said PEST and an adult member of the DOE household.  Failing mutual agreement, said PEST is subject to the following sanctions:

          i. First offense - Immediately upon finding PEST within the DOE residence, said PEST is subject to the death penalty.

               1. Said death penalty may be carried out by any member of the DOE household, including but not limited to JANE DOE, JOHN DOE, JIMMY DOE, and any four-legged DOE family member.

               2. Said death penalty may be carried out by any means, including but not limited to Raid or similar chemical, or crushing with a shoe or other object.

               3. Said death penalty is determined not to be cruel or unusual punishment, regardless of the means chosen to carry it out.

               4. Said PEST is not entitled to a warning or trial before carrying out said death penalty.

          ii. Second offense - Not applicable.

     b. If a PEST is found within the DOE residence, all members of the PEST's immediate and extended family, as well as any neighbors, co-workers, and acquaintances of said PEST are subject to the same sanctions as PEST as outlined above. 

     c. The DOE household reserves the right to extend these orders to all property owned, rented, or leased by the DOE household, including but not limited to yards, patios, and garage or other parking areas.

     d. The DOE household members reserve the right to extend these orders to all property visited by the individual DOE household members, including but not limited to parks, schools, stores, and homes of others.

     e. Minor children of the DOE household are hereby ordered to obey adult members of the DOE household with reference to PESTS as follows:

          i. Minor children must carry out the death penalty on PESTS if so instructed by adult members of household;

          ii. Minor children must dispose of PESTS if so instructed by adult members of household, regardless of whether the above penalty was carried out by said minor child or an adult member of the household;

          iii. Minor children may not befriend PESTS;

          iv. Minor children may not invite or otherwise allow PESTS to enter or remain in the residence without prior written permission from JANE DOE;

          v. Minor children must immediately report any trespassing PESTS to an adult member of the household;

          vi. Minor children may not conceal whereabouts of trespassing PESTS.

4. Duration

This order is in effect until revoked in writing by JANE DOE or JOHN DOE.

5. Definitions

"Adult" means JANE DOE or JOHN DOE.

"Minor child" or "minor children" means any child of JANE DOE and JOHN DOE, regardless of age.

"Family member" means any current or future human, dog, or cat member of the DOE family.

"Pest" means any creature determined to be a pest by JANE DOE.  This definition may be changed by JANE DOE at any time without prior notice.